Down with math!

A couple things about this date: 

1.  Going into it I knew it was a waste of time (when isn't it?), and 

2.  I decided that from now on, since I'm going on 29 and I'm "established" (ie: set in my ways), I'm not going to try to impress people anymore.  

Now, those of you who know me are probably thinking "when did she ever try to impress anyone?" And you make a good point.  What I really mean is that I'm not going to filter my thoughts.  Okay, okay.  I know.  I'm notoriously unfiltered.  But YOU have never been on a date with me.  On dates I do a passable job of keeping the lid on. Not so tight that if your kids got in the medicine cabinet you wouldn't be making a trip to the emergency room, but tight enough that if it fell off the counter not all of them would spill out onto the floor. 

Alright, so this guy "Sean" is a big finance/economics dude getting his MBA.  The first notable thing about him is that his mannerisms and speech resemble a former coworker of mine who shall remain jobless (because he was such a know-it-all).  There's nothing worse than two know-it-alls trying to one-up each other.  Sean didn't want to hear about me.  He wanted me to know exactly how awesome he was.  Unfortunately for him, I am an expert at being awesome.  I am a double expert at being a one-upper.  See how I did that?  Sean-0, Krissie-4.  

Once I realized I didn't need to impress Sean, I subconsciously decided to insult his profession by telling him my motto: "down with math."  I do realize I'm someone whose profession could and should be insulted regularly.  And is!  Have you seen Between Two Ferns?  What about Wayne's World?  Anyway, I have a whole argument for Media Literacy and against Calculus in high schools.  Once I got started I could have stopped myself, but then I realized what Sean must have realized the whole time - I like the sound of my own voice.  

To be honest with you, Sean wasn't even really blog-worthy.  However, I needed to tell you the most important part of the date: we split the bill.  Then he said he hopes to see me soon.  The only place he's going to be seeing me is back on match, looking for another guy to date.  

A skier and a gamer walk into a bar. Bartender looks up and says "What is this? Some sort of joke?"

Let's call him "Mike."  Mike was somewhat funny and could keep a conversation going online, so we met up at a divey bar in Harvard Square.  Dinner, drinks, mediocre conversation...it was pretty standard.  Mike wanted to go to JP Licks after dinner because he was new to Boston and had some bizarre fascination with our ice cream.  He talked a lot about the new car he was buying the next day ($33,000 car...I'd tell you what kind it was, but as a Ford Focus driver my eyes just glossed over and I started daydreaming about unicorns) and gaming.  Red flags!  But what are you gonna do? 

I was drinking an IPA (obvi).  Mike was drinking Guinness (sidenote: he forgot his ID).  There was a sign behind me for Stella Artois.  Mike goes "Stella?  I've never heard of it."  Sigh.  I recommended he order it for his next beer.  He did.  

The beer came and Mike looked at it and said "The waitress must not have heard me.  She brought me another Guinness."

Me: "That's not a Guinness."

Mike: "Yes it is.  It tastes the same."

Me: "They're two very different colors.  Because they're different beers."

Mike:  "Nope, they're the same."

Me: "Waitress, can you please bring us a sample of Guinness?  He thinks this Stella is a Guinness."

Waitress brings the sample.

Mike:  "No, they're the same beer."

Me:  "Even if you were colorblind, you would be able to see that one of those beers is translucent, and one isn't."  

This went on and on.  Of course I couldn't drop it, because I was right and I was getting frustrated that he was so stupid and so clearly not a drinker. 

Finally the check came.  Mike took a look at the check, practically shouted "SIXTY DOLLARS" and threw down $30.  He didn't even put down enough for a tip.  So I had to pay not only my half (Guys-Rule #1: Always pay for the first date) but I also had to leave the whole tip for both of us.  I guess he was saving that money for the down payment on his $33,000 car.  

This guy still wanted to go to JP Licks, so I went to the ladies room, and when I got back he went to the men's room.  While he was in the men's room I started dreading the remainder of the date, so I peaced out.  As I was getting into my car he texted me "Are you still here?  I just got back to the table and you were gone."  I didn't respond.

After that I did feel a little guilty about leaving the guy at the bar, and I was afraid of what he was going to say to me so I didn't check my match account for 19 days.  Finally I mustered up the courage to check, and lo and behold there was an email from him that he sent the next day saying he had fun last night and would like to do it again!  Clearly this guy doesn't know how to interpret social cues.  Such as a girl leaving him at a bar. 

Seeking intelligent, outdoorsy, beer guzzling (yet respectable) man who isn't afraid of his own pants - 26

I was the token single person at a party with several of my married friends last month and someone asked me what my worst online dating experience was.  At first I couldn't really think of any (other than the one that prompted the question in the first place, which will get its own post), but the following day all the suppressed memories came rushing back like your standard cliche rushing water metaphor.  The more I thought about it, the more it seemed blog worthy. 

From now on I am going to document my online dating experiences here for your reading/my venting pleasure.  I can't recount all of my past bad dates, but I can give you a top 5 list:

My Top 5 Bad Dates 2008-2010

1.  The guy who had OCD so bad he couldn't touch his own pants.

2.  The guy who asked me to kiss him 20 minutes into the date, then argued with me the rest of the date because I wouldn't kiss him, telling me I was a prude.

3.  The guy who spooned his guy friend and thought it was normal.

4.  The guy who took me out to dinner, then told me he didn't have any money and asked if I could pay.

5.  The guy who asked me if he could tell his mother about me.

They say girls are crazy, and I'm pretty sure "they" are delusional men.  In my experience guys aren't exactly a walk in the park either.  Or whatever that saying is.

So, why do I still torture myself with online dating?  I've sworn it off many times, yet I still keep going back to it.  I have a glimmer of hope that my reason is that there's still a glimmer of hope.  But I'm probably just bored.  I like to tell stories.  I like being the class clown.  Who knows?  I doubt I'll ever meet anyone for a "LTR" on any of these sites, but for the moment it's keeping me busy.

Which leads me to sites.  I have tried everything from craigslist (Philip Markoff gave good email, but he wanted me to eat his gun for dinner) to eharmony (where not even one guy talked to me!) and everything in between.  I have come to the conclusion that a lot of people use multiple sites so rather than repeatedly being matched with the same people on different sites, I have whittled down my site usage to one - match.com.  That's not entirely true, since I just made a new profile on a new site in an attempt to prove this theory.  Proved it!  The profile will come down as soon as I'm done conducting a few more experiments.

In the interest of full disclosure I'd like to post parts of my match profile for you to see, but apparently I don't have permission to use the images from my own page.  Stay tuned...